When my future wife, Ann, first met me in 10th grade\u00a0she thought I was a “pompous jerk.” (She didn’t tell me that for years, though.)<\/p>\n
It was because of how I talked. Now she says that, after she got to know me, she realized that was just the way I spoke.<\/p>\n
She is too kind.<\/p>\n
I was a jerk. But I didn\u2019t know it.<\/p>\n
Our intention creates our reality. \u2014 Wayne Dyer<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I didn\u2019t intend<\/em> to sound pompous — to sound like a jerk. (Most don\u2019t.) So, of course, I didn\u2019t see<\/em> myself being a jerk.<\/p>\n
Let me say that again in more detail.<\/p>\n
Most of the time the words I choose come from habit. I expect that\u2019s true for most people.<\/p>\n
When I did consciously choose my words\u00a0it was often to score points with authority: the teacher. \u00a0I knew I would get along better with the teachers (and get better marks) when I addressed my efforts to them.<\/p>\n
In effect I tended to have a dry sense of humor. (It’s always better to tell a joke that only the teacher gets and everyone else doesn’t even realize was a joke.) I tended to use five-dollar words. (“Metacognition,” anyone? How about a dash of\u00a0“epicurean?”) And I tended to have the right answer as often as possible. (You know, I was an annoying puke.)<\/p>\n
Maybe in my mind I was \u201cprecise,” or funny, or just talking. I couldn\u2019t see<\/em> myself alienating others. That\u00a0didn\u2019t match my intent. It wasn’t in my reality.<\/p>\n
Unintended Consequences: They Exist<\/h2>\n
In physics every action has an “equal and opposite reaction.” With people reactions\u00a0are rarely so straightforward.<\/p>\n
I developed a habit of speech to score points with one group (teachers). I did score those points. But reactions don\u2019t end where you intend them to.<\/p>\n
My habits carried over into conversations with my peers. I didn\u2019t think about how it affected them.\u00a0I didn\u2019t consider that it alienated class mates.<\/p>\n
I did it out of habit for getting something I cared about. I didn\u2019t do it to make others feel bad. But it did.\u00a0It had unintended consequences.<\/p>\n
I Am Responsible for\u00a0Outcomes<\/h2>\n
Condescending speech is alienating and ineffective. It breaks up relationships.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t intend to make Ann feel bad. \u00a0But it happened anyway. Unintentional jerk still equals jerk.<\/p>\n
Intention may make your reality but it doesn\u2019t control\u00a0outcomes. And it is outcomes\u00a0that you are judged by. Good or ill.<\/p>\n
God “looketh upon the heart<\/a>“, but the rest of us are poorer judges of others’ intentions — and that’s when we bother to try. Most of the time I’m\u00a0too wrapped up in my\u00a0own needs to care if that guy who\u00a0cut me off in traffic was actually rushing to the emergency room.<\/p>\n
People may\u00a0cut you some slack when you cause them unintentional pain. But you still caused pain, and you have to own that.<\/p>\n
Take A Regular Step Back \u2014 Self 360 Assessment<\/h2>\n
Be sure to regularly check, \u201cAre my actions creating the outcomes\u00a0I intended<\/em> to create? \u00a0What unintended<\/em> downsides am I blind to?”<\/p>\n
If I had asked myself that question in 10th grade \u2014 better yet, if I had involved an honest friend in asking that question of myself \u2014 then I might have made more friends and given more happiness years earlier than I ultimately did.<\/p>\n
What bad habits have you picked up that put off others?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When my future wife, Ann, first met me in 10th grade\u00a0she thought I was a “pompous jerk.” (She didn’t tell me that for years, though.) It was because of how I talked. Now she says that, after she got to know me, she realized that was just the way I spoke. She is too kind.… Continue reading Accidental Jerk Still Equals Jerk<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":392,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[137,31,135,136],"class_list":["post-390","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-executive","tag-language","tag-professionalism","tag-relationships","tag-self-assessment","wow fadeInUp","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=390"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":395,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/390\/revisions\/395"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/392"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=390"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=390"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=390"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}