Dear ManagerJS,<\/p>\n
I\u2019m upset about something stupid I did yesterday. I was in a meeting with several peers. One of them suggested an improvement to our hiring practices. Before I knew what I was thinking I was already speaking. I said, \u201cI categorically reject that suggestion.\u201d Can you believe that? Not, \u201cI see it a different way,\u201d or even, \u201cI disagree.\u201d But, \u201ccategorically reject.\u201d Really?!<\/i><\/span><\/p>\n What a condescending jerk.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Within a few moments I was uncomfortable. It didn\u2019t take long for me to realize I had gone really wrong. I played it out in my head. Slow motion. Trying to see why I did that.<\/span><\/p>\n The suggestion was one we had talked about before. I largely agreed with him. I just hadn\u2019t found a way to really implement it. It wasn\u2019t a top priority for me.<\/span><\/p>\n I see now that I felt called out \u2014 attacked. I see now that the thing that really drew attention to my shortcomings was my own impulsive blabbing<\/i>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n How could I have avoided my outburst? What could I have done in the moment to keep my head?<\/span><\/p>\n And what do I do now? The moment has passed. Sometimes I get ahold of myself in time to apologize in context. Not this time. It seems weird to bring it up as an agenda item in the next meeting. I\u2019m sure there\u2019s something I can do. But what?<\/span><\/p>\n Sincerely,<\/span><\/p>\n A Condescending Jerk<\/span><\/p>\n Don\u2019t be discouraged. This kind of outburst is common for some\u00a0immature professionals. You can outgrow it. But just knowing about it isn\u2019t going to be enough.<\/span><\/p>\n For now you have two things to worry about<\/span><\/p>\n First of all mend the fences you\u2019ve damaged. Choosing between an agenda item and nothing is a fool\u2019s choice: Extreme opposing options forcing you to say \u201cthis or<\/i> that.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Is there a way you can address the personal wrong you\u2019ve done to your peer without making a big deal out of it?<\/span><\/p>\n Couldn\u2019t you apologize to your peer personally? That\u2019s the most important thing. <\/span><\/p>\n Remember, face to face is best. Phone second. Email is lame, but better than nothing. Do it now. Do it sincerely. Keep it simple.<\/span><\/p>\n Just say, \u201cHey, I have to tell you: I\u2019m sorry I was a jerk yesterday when you made your suggestion.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n You need to accept that this will likely happen again. Stay practiced at frankly admitting your mistakes.<\/p>\n Second, how do you prevent this?<\/span><\/p>\n When you feel like someone is attacking you remember to ask, \u201cWhat do I really<\/i> want?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n In this case, that question would have prompted you to recall how much common ground you have. It would have redirected your thoughts to acknowledge that common ground and seek to build from there.<\/span><\/p>\n The trigger is the thing. Just remember: The people you work with aren\u2019t jerks.<\/strong> They aren\u2019t attacking you. Not really.<\/span><\/p>\n When you see a jerk: stop<\/strong>. Ask yourself: What do I really<\/em> want? What’s the best way to act to get what I really<\/em> want?<\/p>\n You don’t really<\/em> want to zing someone. You really want success. Zinging just feels good for a moment. Zinging isn’t success.<\/p>\n When you feel like someone else is a jerk \u2014 someone else is attacking you \u2014 trigger your conversation skills. The trigger is the hardest part. Once you remember to be conscious about what you are saying, the rest is much more straightforward.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear ManagerJS, I\u2019m upset about something stupid I did yesterday. I was in a meeting with several peers. One of them suggested an improvement to our hiring practices. Before I knew what I was thinking I was already speaking. I said, \u201cI categorically reject that suggestion.\u201d Can you believe that? Not, \u201cI see it a… Continue reading I Was a Condescending Jerk<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":230,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[67,61,63],"class_list":["post-239","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-executive","tag-apology","tag-communication","tag-crucial-conversations","wow fadeInUp","entry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=239"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":244,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/239\/revisions\/244"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/230"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=239"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=239"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.managerjs.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=239"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}Dear Condescending Jerk,<\/span><\/h2>\n
\n
Frank, Low-Key Apology<\/h3>\n
Stop When You See a Jerk<\/h3>\n